This e-mail is wicked-cool!  It was started by Microsoft to test its
e-mail tracking system because, you know, a big high-tech company
like Microsoft always sends important new software out over the
internet to be available to any moron who can operate a computer,
right?  Plus, they have formed a secret merger with Disney Corp.,
who has agreed to give up millions of dollars in revenue by giving
everyone who reads this e-mail, passes it on, looks at it, knows
someone who looked at it, or is related to someone who is a friend
of someone who looks at it A FREE, ALL-EXPENSES-PAID TRIP to
Disneyland, DisneyWorld or EuroDisney!  So pass this on to everyone
you know that is gullible enough to believe this (or not)!  Even if
it's not true, hey--insulting all of your friends by implying that
they are gullible by sending this to them is worth the improbable
chance that you could go to Disneyland! Even if you lose all of your
friends because they are tired of receiving this kind of junk from you,
it's worth the chance, right? And just for good measure, if you don't
send this on, Microsoft will send its specially trained attack goats to
pilfer your house and eat all of your family, SO SEND IT ON!!!!!

VIRUS WARNING!!!

If you  receive an email entitled "Badtimes," delete it immediately.
Do not open it.

Apparently this one is pretty nasty.

It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also
delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer.

It demagnetizes the stripes on ALL of your credit cards.

It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR
and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to
play.

It will re-calibrate your refrigerator's coolness settings so all your
ice cream melts and your milk curdles.

It will program your phone AutoDial to call only your mother-in-law's
number.

So be careful!  Forward this to all of your friends, relatives,
neighbors, family, enemies, plumbers, garbagemen, stock brokers,
doctors, and any other acquaintances!  It's for their own good!
Thank you.

Here is a cute picture I drew:

       (\         /)
       ( \       / )
       (  \     /  )
        (  /\  /\ )
         ( / \/ \ )
          /      \        __
         (        )      (  )
            ~~~~          ^^


It is a decapitated angel.  Send it on to all of your friends so it
will brighten their day like it did yours!
If you don't, demon-possessed goats will move into your house and
eat all of your socks, leading you to believe that something is wrong
with your washing machine because all of your socks keep disappearing.
Have a nice day!!

USEFUL PHRASES IN JAPANESE AND SPANISH

Japanese:

Hajimemashite - Hello (when meeting for the first time)
Ohiyoo Gozaimasu - Good morning
Konnichiwa - Good day
Konbanwa - Good evening
Oyasuminasai - Good night
Doozo Yoroshiku - Nice to meet you
Bakayaroo. Anata wa goku o oosugiru. - You idiot, bastard, all around asshole. You used too many words!
Gomenasai, jikan o wakarimasen. Watashi no kamo o miteimasu. - I am sorry, I do not understand time. I am looking for my duck.
Ano wa, kamo desu ka? - Is that your duck?
Iie, watashi no kamo wa kami no kami desu. No, my duck is the god of paper.
Soo desu ka? - Is that right?
Iie, uso o tsukimashita. Honto wa kami no kaminari desu. - No, I lied. He is truthfully the god of thunder.
Soo desu ne... - I see....
Aa! Asoko desu! - Ah, there he is!
Doshite anata no kamo wa shi ni jigoku de hanashite imasu ka? - Why is your duck talking to death in hell?
Shi wa okane o oimasu. - Death owes him money.
Saiyoonara! - Goodbye! (as in: I will not see you for a very long time.)

Spanish:

Como estas? - How are you?
Muy bueno. - Very good.
Donde esta el bano? - Where is the bathroom?
Esta alli. - It is over there.
Por que es este bano sin queso? - Why is this bathroom without cheese?
Por que muerte esta mirando por el queso. - Because death is looking for the cheese.
Ai caromba. Muerte no se permiten tener queso. - Oi! Death isn't allowed to have cheese.
Conozco. Muerte no se puede digestar lactose. - I know, death can't digest lactose.
Pongo el queso bajo del mi sombrero. - I put the cheese under my hat.
Muerte nunca mira por el queso bajo su sombrero. - Death will never look for the cheese under your hat.

SIGNS OF THE TIMES

The following are actual signs seen all over the U.S.A.

On a display of "I love you only" Valentine cards:
"Now available in multi-packs."

On I-64 in Indiana:
"Prison Area Do Not Pick Up Hitchhikers"

At a Santa Fe gas station:
"We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container."

In a New York restaurant:
"Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager."

On the wall of a Baltimore estate:
"Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. --Sisters of Mercy"

On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaners:
"38 years on the same spot."

In a Los Angeles dance hall:
"Good clean dancing every night but Sunday."

In a Florida maternity ward:
"No children allowed."

In a New York drugstore:
"We dispense with accuracy."

In the offices of a loan company:
"Ask about our plans for owning your home."

In a New York medical building:
"Mental Health Prevention Center"

On a New York convalescent home:
"For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church."

On a Maine shop:
"Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship."

At a number of military bases:
"Restricted to unauthorized personnel."

In the window of a Kentucky appliance store:
"Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work."

In a funeral parlor:
"Ask about our layaway plan."

In a clothing store:
"Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks."

In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store:
"15 men's wool suits, $10. They won't last an hour!"

On a shopping mall marquee:
"Archery Tournament -- Ears pierced"

Outside a country shop:
"We buy junk and sell antiques."

In the window of an Oregon store:
"Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here?"

In a Maine restaurant:
"Open 7 days a week and weekends."

On a radiator repair garage:
"Best place to take a leak."

In the vestry of a New England church:
"Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished."

In a Pennsylvania cemetery:
"Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves."

On a roller coaster:
"Watch your head."

On the grounds of a public school:
"No trespassing without permission."

On a Tennessee highway:
"When this sign is under water, this road is impassable."

A parking sign In front of a Boston meditation center:
"Visualize Being Towed."

OFF TO WORK WE GO

Hi Ho... Hi Ho... For those of you heading out into the work place or, well, anyone with a job--these might come in handy!

25 USEFUL WORK PHRASES:

1. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
2. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
3. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
4. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
5. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't care.
6. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
7. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
8. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
9. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
10. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
11. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
12. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
13. No, my powers can only be used for good.
14. How about never? Is never good for you?
15. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
16. You sound reasonable...Time to up my medication.
17. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
18. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
19. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
20. Who me? I just wander from room to room.
21. My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!
22. It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.
23. At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.
24. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
25. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

---

TOP 10 WAYS TO AVOID TAKING BLAME FOR YOUR MISTAKES:

1. Change your identity.
2. "Look at my paycheck, you pay me to make mistakes."
3. Doing nothing prevents making mistakes in the first place.
4. Show up on time. Blame it on Know_It_All who is always 30-45 minutes late. By the time he gets in your boss is really fuming!!
5. Blame it on Microsoft.
6. Keep a book about Attention Deficit Disorder on your desk.
7. "This is the way you told me to do it, I wonder what went wrong?"
8. "After working here for 10 years, I have finally learned that people who do nothing get paid as much as those who work very hard. I now do nothing, therefore do nothing wrong, and get blamed for nothing."
9. When a project is about 80% done, transfer to another project and let some other sucker eat flaming death for your mistakes. It worked for my director!
10. In our company it's standard procedure to blame people who are no longer here. "Oh, so and so must have done that before they left" is a common (and very accepted) phrase here.

---

AMAZING ANAGRAMS

Anagrams.. you know.. when you take the letters of one word or phrase and make them into another! These ones are certainly interesting.

          WORD/PHRASE                                           ANAGRAM 
          ------------------------------------------------------------- 
          
          Dormitory                                          Dirty Room                  
          
          Evangelist                                       Evil's Agent 
          
          Desperation                                    A Rope Ends It 
          
          The Morse Code                                 Here Come Dots 
          
          Slot Machines                                Cash Lost in 'em 
          
          Animosity                                         Is No Amity 
          
          Mother-in-law                                    Woman Hitler 
          
          Snooze Alarms                               Alas! No More Z's 
          
          Alec Guinness                                   Genuine Class 
          
          Semolina                                           Is No Meal 
          
          The Public Art Galleries           Large Picture Halls, I Bet 
          
          A Decimal Point                            I'm a Dot in Place 
          
          Eleven plus two                               Twelve plus one 
          
          Contradiction                                Accord not in it 
          
          
THIS ONE IS TRULY AMAZING:
   To be or not to be: that is the question, whether its nobler 
   in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune...
ANAGRAM:
   In one of the Bard's best-thought-of tragedies, our insistent 
   hero, Hamlet, queries on two fronts about how life turns rotten...

AND FOR A CONTEMPORARY ONE:
   That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind. 
ANAGRAM:
   A thin man ran; makes a large stride, left planet, pins flag on moon! On to Mars!

AND A FINAL ONE (WOULD YOU BELIEVE IT?): 
   President Clinton, of the USA 
ANAGRAM:
   To copulate, he finds interns 

---

FOR THOSE WHO TAKE LIFE TOO SERIOUSLY

Smile a little, laugh a little. Life's too short, and but a dream (or so they say).

• Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
• A day without sunshine is like...night.
• On the other hand, you have...different fingers.
• I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
• 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
• 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
• I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
• You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
• I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
• Honk if you love peace and quiet.
• Remember, half the people you know are below average.
• Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
• Nothing is foolproof to a talented fool.
• He who laughs last thinks slowest.
• The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
• I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
• If Barbie is so popular why do you have to buy her friends?
• The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
• Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
• When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.
• A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
• Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
• For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
• Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks
• No one is listening until you make a mistake.
• Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
• The colder the x-ray table the more of your body is required on it.
• The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
• The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
• To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
• Two wrongs are only the beginning.
• The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
• The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.
• A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
• Change is inevitable except from vending machines.
• Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow.
• If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
• How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand...
• Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
• If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you.
• Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

---

SUMMER LINKS

UK ECLIPSE COORDINATING GROUP http://www.eclipse.org.uk/ On August 11th 1999 don't miss the first total eclipse of the sun visible from the UK since 1927 and the last until 2090. It's also the last total solar eclipse of the MILLENNIUM... will YOU be there? (I know I will! -ed.)

WOMEN'S WORLD CUP '99 http://wwc99.fifa.com/ WOMEN'S WORLD CUP 1999 - SWN http://swn.interspeed.net/wc99/index5.html USA WOMEN'S WORLD CUP 99 http://www.usawomensworldcup99.com/ The 1999 FIFA Women's World Cup will be played at venues all across the United States from June 19 to July 10. Every game will be broadcast by either ABC or ESPN/ESPN2. The 16 qualifying teams are: United States, Germany, Korea DPR, Brazil, Nigeria, Mexico, Denmark, Italy, Norway, China, Japan, Australia, Canada, Ghana, Russia and Sweden. Try these sites to learn more about WWC 99!

I HATE STAR WARS http://www.ihatestarwars.com/ Just in case you're sick of the hype and want to join in the backlash. Play the (admittedly sick) "Hit Luke" game! Read some (interesting, at least) reasons the site's creator dislikes the Star Wars movies, past and present.

SUMMER SOLSTICE: A GOOD REASON FOR A PARTY! http://www.celestia.com/alpha/SRP/JJ95/Html/SummerSolstice.html http://www.utah.edu/Planetarium/SolsticeSum.html The Summer Solstice, longest day of the year, will be upon us soon. In many cultures, the coming of Summer is the heralding of a time for love, marriage, friendship, beauty, protection, courage, magical energy, physical energy, and strength. These short articles talk about some of the ways ancient cultures celebrated the summer solstice.

---

That wraps up this issue! The next issue of FW is not likely to be out until Autumn because I'll be extremely busy this summer. I know you're disappointed, but I'm sure you'll live *wink*

On a somber note... some thoughts. Last month the ugliest, bloodiest school shooting massacre yet took place in the last place on earth I ever thought possible--in my home town, in my old high school. Now Littleton, Colorado is another one of those "dots" on the map, a place where it "never could have happened" but did. It was the shock of a lifetime to see something like this occur in the seemingly so innocent and so safe place where I grew up.

And why am I writing about this??! Well it really hit home and made me think more about how life is so precious. Treasure those dear to you, and let them know it! Tell your parents, sister, brother, good friend, or classmates how great they are. Let them know you care. Give someone a big hug. Be kind. Live virtuously. You never know what the next year, week, day or hour brings.... This is dedicated to the memory of the 13 innocent people who died at Columbine.

---

Time is too slow for those who wait,
Too swift for those who fear,
Too long for those who grieve,
Too short for those who rejoice,
But for those who love, time is eternity.
    ~ Henry Van Dyke
 

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