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- Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife.
- How could two people as beautiful as you have such an ugly baby?
- I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I've changed my mind.
- I must admit, you brought Religion in my life. I never believed in Hell till I met you.
- Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder: What was I thinking?
- As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it for me.
- If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister.
- Thanks for being a part of my life!! I never knew what evil was before you came along!
- Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, you may want to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again.
- Someday I hope to get married, but not to you.
- Sorry things didn't work out, but I just can't handle guys with boobs that are bigger than mine.
- Happy Birthday! You look great for your age... Almost life-like!
- When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise.
- I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend. So here's her leash, water bowl and chew toys.
- We have been friends for a very long time, what say we call it quits.
- I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here.
- Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was?
- You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket.... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often.
- Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday -- so we're having you put to sleep.
- Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!! (available only in Arkansas)
